Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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