So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
