We're facebook friends in real life
I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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