Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
