Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
