These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Did I show you my penis last night?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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