I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
