remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
