His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
