I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
