dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I'm eating all of the evidence.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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