Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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