oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
