my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
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