my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
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