either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I pour the whiskey from now on
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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