I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
