You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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