I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
