I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
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