I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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