I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
