You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
