News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
