Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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