what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
