remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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