i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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