You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
My first STD was from a foam party
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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