The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
