i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
