Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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