If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
