how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
