After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
