when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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