I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
