I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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