I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
