Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
