the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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