We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
handjob tips. give me some.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
