her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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