Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
