my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
