You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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