i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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