im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
