Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
