You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
