I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Randomize
