I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
