the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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