can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize