Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize