What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
