The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize