Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
You left your phone here
Wait...
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