My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
he was CRYING into my vagina
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
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