I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Use "feeling words"
Yay
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
