Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
