no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
