Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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