I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
