yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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